'A time I was proud' - Joel's personal experience writing.

Personal Writing

I was on my first race at the 2011 BMX Nationals. 

The snap of the gate came at last, BANG!  We were off and I was in 3rd position, pedaling as fast as I could.  
  We were going up to the first jump WHAEE!  BANG!  I hit the second part of the jump, slowing me down but still in third place.  My parents were shouting “ GO JOEL!” 

  I came up to the third strait.  Going up, going down, going down, down, down.  Coming into the last corner…  BANG!  SMASH!  BOOM!   ‘I got past them two’, I thought to myself.  

  I was on the last strait pumping my arms and legs.  Now I was on the last jump AHHH!  My pedal suddenly hit the jump. I recovered just in time.  VICTORY IS MINE, I thought.  
I was heading back to the gazebo and my dad was screaming “YOU BEAT NZ’s NUMBER 2!”   

 - Joel

Class Conferencing - Description - Joel's Writing

Our writing focus for this term is: Description.
As a class we discussed what description is and why its important to include it in our writing to enable our audience to get a picture in their heads from our words.

The children next choose one of the four topics given to them...
* Something that happened over the Christmas holidays
* My favourite Christmas present
* My first day at school
* My favourite toy
...and wrote about it, remembering what their focus is.


Joel offered to have his writing conferenced by the class.
Here is his original piece of writing.
His writing was then edited by the class for further description (in blue)
and he continued to edit his writing himself to make it more descriptive (in red.)
This is his more descriptive piece of writing.

Thanks for sharing your writing with us, Joel!